Dirty Riddles and Clean Answers

1. You play with me at night before going to sleep. You can’t get caught fiddling with me at work. You only let a select few people touch me. What am I?

Your phone.

2. What’s a four-letter word that ends in “k” and means the same as intercourse?

Talk.

3. I start with a “v” and every woman has one. She can even use me to get what she wants. What am I?

Her voice.

4. I come in a lot of different sizes. Sometimes, I drip a little. If you blow me, it feels really good. What am I?

Your nose.

5. What’s in a man’s pants that you won’t find in a girl’s dress?

Pockets.

6. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?

A tent.

7. What’s long and hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber.

8. If I miss, I might hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news. What am I?

The paperboy.

9. What four-letter word begins with “f” and ends with “k,” and if you can’t get it you can always just use your hands?

A fork.

10. All day long it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

An elevator.

11. I’m spread out before being eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?

Peanut butter.

12. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s is really long. Michael J. Fox’s is short. Daffy Duck’s isn’t human. Madonna doesn’t have one. What am I?

A last name.

13. What is hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside? The word begins with “c,” ends in “t,” and there’s a “u” and an “n” between them.

A coconut.

14. I start with a “p” and ends with “o-r-n,” and I’m a major player in the film industry. What am I?

Popcorn.

15. My business is briefs. I’m a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it regularly. What am I?

A lawyer.

16. You get a lot of it if you’re powerful and successful, but significantly less when you’re just starting out. You sometimes do it with yourself, but it’s a lot better when you do it with another person. What am I talking about?

Email.

17. Name a word that starts with “f” and ends with “u-c-k”?

Firetruck!

18. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I?

An arrow.

19. I go in hard but come out soft, and I never mind if you want to blow me. What am I?

Bubblegum.

20. What does a dog do that a man steps into?

Pants.

21. I’m great for protection. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

Gloves.

22. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt.

23. What’s beautiful and natural, but gets prickly if it isn’t trimmed regularly?

The lawn.

24. All men have one, but it’s longer on some than others. The Pope never uses his, and a man gives it to his wife once they’re married.

His last name.

25. I assist with erections. Sometimes, giant balls hang from me. I’m known as a big swinger. What am I?

A crane.

26. You find me in a guy’s pants. I’m about six inches long, I have a head, and some women love to blow me. What am I?

A twenty dollar bill.

27. When I go in, I can cause some pain. I’ll fill your holes when you ask me to. I also ask that you spit, and not swallow. What am I?

Your dentist.